Should
the Lord allow (and the Orange
Ogre in the Oval doesn't get us all killed) I will be FIFTY in a couple of weeks. 50. 5 times 10. Half a century. Wow. 😮
Since
I know that no one will probably ever read this, I am going
to keep it 100. I honestly never thought I would see 50. For real. I have made
some seriously idiotic choices and taken chances that could have very easily
lead to my ultimate demise. A huge part of me died when my father passed away
and very unexpectedly thirteen years ago. I’ve never really fully recovered. Looking
back now, I recognize that that event was the catalyst into my battle with
anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The last three or so years have been the most
difficult since that fateful day in 2006, and depression and anxiety have taken
up permanent residence.
Somehow
(it’s by God’s grace and mercy alone, let’s
be real), I have been holding it together and kept plugging through. There have
been some good moments. A few laughs here and there. A couple of good memories.
But as I sit here and type this, I am quite honestly not able to remember more
than five. That is sad. Five good memories in a span of 13 years. Is there
any wonder why I’ve considered tapping out? Save your judgement and pity. It
means nothing to me. On the off chance one of the very few people in my life is
reading this and offended that I can only think of five good memories, this is
not about you. Truth be told, the fact that you are offended is part of the
problem.
But
this? This right up and through here? I did not sign up for this. This was not
in the brochure. Nah, bruh. This is not
how 50 was supposed to look.
I
was supposed to be married by now.
I was supposed to have children by now.
I was supposed to have a
grandchild by now.
I was supposed to be financial
secure by now.
I was supposed to have a
modicum of success by now.
I was supposed to making
retirement plans.
Sigh
But
alas, this is where I am. Single. Alone. Lonely. No legacy.
Big Sigh
Still,
I press. To most, this may sound like I am not grateful for the time I have
been given. That could not be further from the truth. I am very grateful. Many
of my contemporaries did not make it this far.
The
fact that I am still here means that God
is not done with me yet. There is still something He needs me to do. There is
someone I need to meet. As long as He gives me breath in my body, I’m going to
keep going. Keep pressing toward the mark. Keep running the race. He has kept
me through false starts, injuries, heartaches, pain, pitfalls, stumbles, and
falls. And yet, I will finish my course with joy. Why? Because in the end, I
STILL WIN!
So
it is written, so it shall be done.
