The Snack Queen - Episode One

True confession time.
I have an addiction.
I love snacks.
Like seriously loooooooove snacks.
My love list is Jesus, snacks, family, snacks, friends, and snacks in that order.
If I can find a way to live on snacks and coffee it's a wrap.
My nickname at my job is The Snack Queen. I'm cool with that.
Popcorn is my number one favorite. I quite literally ate in every day for breakfast for 6 months. Gibble's Red Hot chips are a close second with Unique Pretzel Shells rounding out the top three.

 I love creating my own recipes, too. Weird twists on things that people already love. Like my latest creation, Deep Fried Sweet Potato Pies with a Rum Cream Cheese Dip. I'll give you the basics. If you want the full recipe with measurements, leave me a comment or email me.

You will need the following:
Sweet potatoes
Butter
Nutmeg
Cinnamon
Ginger
Sugar
Milk
Egg
Salt
Vanilla or rum (depending on your audience)

Wonton or egg roll wrappers
Water
Canola Oil

Cream cheese
10x sugar

For a richer flavor, do not boil the sweet potatoes, bake them. Trust me, it works wonders.  BEAT the baked and skinned sweet potatoes with the butter until smooth. MIX in everything else on the list up to and including the vanilla or rum until mixed but still stiff. Not runny.

Get out your wrappers. Place the wrapper on your prep surface in the shape of a diamond (point towards you, point away from you, points left and right).
Using a small scoop or spoon, place a dollop of the filling into the center of your wonton wrapper. If using the egg roll wrapper, use a medium sized scoop and two dollops on close together slightly above the middle of the wrapper.

Using the water and your finger or a gentle pastry brush, lightly wet the edges of your wrappers. Fold the wonton wrapper in half to make a triangle and press the edges to seal them. Try to press out any air bubbles.
Fold in the top point of the egg roll wrapper over the filling, pressing out as much air as possible. Fold in the sides. Now roll the wrapper towards you and seal with the bottom point.

Heat your oil to the ripple stage and drop those puppies in carefully. Fry until GBD (golden brown and delicious on all sides. Remove them and drain on a rack or crinkled paper towels.

While they are cooling, mix you dip.
In a mixing bowl, combine the cream cheese, milk, 10x sugar, and rum.
Mix until creamy smooth and loose, but not too loose. You do not want a runny dip. Ew!

Arrange your sweet potato lovelies on a beautiful serving tray with the dip in the middle. Enjoy!

OK, now I'm really hungry. Time for a bedtime snack!

Secrets and Lies

"There is nothing hidden that will not be found. There is no secret that will not be well known" - Luke 8:17 CEV

For real though, why do people even bother lying about petty things? Even lying about not so trivial things is stupid. The Orange Anal Pore is proving daily that you can't escape your lies. But this is not another political rant. I'll save that for his next scandal or as we common folks call it, tomorrow.

No, I'm talking about family and friends. It is so stupid to lie to those closest to you. On the real, all you are doing is making things harder on yourself. Eventually nothing you say will be believed. You don't want to be that person. One day you will be telling the truth and really need help and no one will be there.Why? Because you have lied your way ouy of their trust.

What's even worse, than lying constantly is having some big ridiculous family secret. Oh my gosh, if only you knew how many families have been destroyed over one person's desire to save face. Just tell the truth from jump. Will a few people have hurt feelings? It's very likely they will, but they will get over it. It's selfish to hide something until you're on your deathbed or even worse, to leave a letter with the truth to be dealt with after you die. That is a straight up punk move.

Just fess up people. Seriously. Living a lie for years is far worse than just telling the truth and dealing with the consequences. You are living in your own private hell for no other reason than foolish pride. Is it really worth it? Is it worth hurting your family and friends for years to come because you were too selfeish and your ego was too big to be honest? Wow. That's messed up.

I know of quite a few secrets and lies, but it is not my place to out anyone or tell their story. Until they are ready to tell it, I just have to sit back and watch and wait. You can't force someone to come clean. All you can do it have a broom and bucket at the ready when the tie comes to clean up the mess.

Clean up in aisle seven!

I'm Planning My Own Funeral

No, I'm not dying. Well, OK, we are all going to die eventually, but I am not sick or planning to go anytime soon. On the other hand, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone so... Wait I'm getting off track. The point is, I am planning my own funeral and here are 10 reasons why:

1 - I don't trust my family to do it. Sounds harsh I know, but it's the truth. I know how I want things to go. No one in my family thinks like me and they will jack up my send off if I don't leave explicit instructions. 

2 - I refuse to have a whole bunch of crying at my "gone away" party. A few tears maybe, but the real crying better by tears of laughter. 

3 - No sad behind songs. Just don't. I love music, loved singing in the choir and praise team. Y'all are not jacking up my last hurrah by singing some tired music. Let's just say the playlist will be lit! Oh, and "Getting Ready to Leave This World" is NOT on the list. I would not be getting ready. At that point, I'm already gone.  Duh!

4 - There will not be a viewing, period. Viewings are ridiculous in my book. Why do we put folks on display like a department store window? If you didn't see me before I died then guess what? You can see me on the video. And speaking of the video....

5 - I am delivering my own eulogy via video. While I do know quite a few pastors and have friends and family in the clergy, I want to preach my own service. I will probably never get the chance to preach while I'm alive so I would like to at least get one time to deliver a sermon. 

6 - No repass! I mean it! No chickens are dying at my expense. If you all want to eat after the service you will either go home or to a restaurant. The day is long enough for the church workers and the family. Go home and take a nap or share a few brews in my memory.  

7 - I am writing my own obituary as well. There are a lot of things my family does not know about me nor do they know any of my friends. That is intentional. It's not that I don't trust my real friends around my family. The opposite is true I don't want to subject my friends to my family. And on top of that, my friends are compartmentalized. No one person would be able to give the full story of my life because no one person knows all of the sides. I'm a diamond, multifaceted. I'm more than the place I was born, the schools I attended, and the churches of which I was a member. My family doesn't know me well enough to do my obit justice. 

8 - I want to be cremated. Some folks are going to try to go against that demand, don't do it, I'm warning you. Funerals are expensive! The biggest cost is the casket. I do not like cramped spaces anyway, so just save the money and cremate me. Scatter my ashes on my property in Virgilina. 

9 - Traditional funeral planning always causes problems in families. Thankfully I do not have any children so I will not have to worry about leaving them behind. However, there is always someone who wants to "show out" at the funeral. If I plan my own there is less of a chance for someone to go rogue.

10 - It will be a celebration of my life not a platform for folks to act a whole fool. I will make sure there is security on hand to drag people out like a passenger on United Airlines. Try me. 

Again, I am not planning to leave this world anytime soon. Just know, when I do go, it is going to be a paaaaarrrrrtaaaaaayyyyy! You're welcome!