Truth be told, I am not a very open person. My personal motto is "Trust no one, suspect everyone". More than a few people have said to me "Don't be that way," or "That's no way to live." To them, I say "Hmph, if you only knew."
Here's the deal. While from the outside looking in, I have had a pretty charmed life. On many levels, this is quite true. Private schooling for 13 years, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear... All of the "things" that could and should satisfy the typical child in these yet to be united states (always the militant, sorry not sorry).
There was always something missing though, two things actually. Love and acceptance.
Now before some folks (i.e. family members) get all butt hurt about what I'm saying, this is my space and my perception. Also, keep in mind, we had two very different childhoods. I can't speak on what you went through and you truly cannot understand mine. So save the drama for your mama, and I mean that quite literally.
Let me give you a scenario, see if you can relate. Have you ever walked into a room full of family members but felt like the red-headed stepchild (no shade intended on gingers. Prince Harry is my boo)? Always trying to fit in but never quite able to master their language? Yeah, that kid was me. That's why I hate, loathe, despise, abhor, detest, and dread family functions of any sort. Holidays, weddings, funerals. It's always too much. Too many people at once who are supposed to be my kinfolk and skinfolk but when all together in one place, they feel like them-folk. It only takes a few minutes for me to find a corner somewhere to hide, zone-out, and find my personal "happy place". Those people are not my people. Not all at once anyway. There are one or two that I can take maybe a couple at a time, but all of them? Uh, no. Seriously, Team Doin' Too Much.
After many years of soul-searching and much prayer, I finally figured out why. There is a huge age gap between my siblings and myself. Eight and ten years respectively. Which means there's a gap between me and my cousins as well. Growing up, I always felt like the outsider and the "oops". You can't tell me I wasn't a mistake. And lately, as their mother gets older, she's started to let stuff slip. Snide remarks here, a slick word there. Little hints that I was definitely Daddy's baby but her maybe (I really don't believe I'm her kid, just sayin'). A lot of things didn't make sense then but do now. And while it's not all right, it's still alright. Jesus loves me. And because I know He loves me then I know I'll be OK. Better than OK. Folks just have to respect The Great Wall of Defense that I've built around me. It's all a part of my Proverbs 4:23 way of surviving - "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."
So in my own defense, it's not that I don't want to love or trust people. Quite the contrary. I love a tad too much and have been hurt because of it. And when I get hurt I get angry, and when I get angry, well, let's just say it's not pretty. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry (old school TV reference).
So I'm protecting myself and subsequently you as well. You're welcome.
