1 - I don't trust my family to do it. Sounds harsh I know, but it's the truth. I know how I want things to go. No one in my family thinks like me and they will jack up my send off if I don't leave explicit instructions.
2 - I refuse to have a whole bunch of crying at my "gone away" party. A few tears maybe, but the real crying better by tears of laughter.
3 - No sad behind songs. Just don't. I love music, loved singing in the choir and praise team. Y'all are not jacking up my last hurrah by singing some tired music. Let's just say the playlist will be lit! Oh, and "Getting Ready to Leave This World" is NOT on the list. I would not be getting ready. At that point, I'm already gone. Duh!
4 - There will not be a viewing, period. Viewings are ridiculous in my book. Why do we put folks on display like a department store window? If you didn't see me before I died then guess what? You can see me on the video. And speaking of the video....
5 - I am delivering my own eulogy via video. While I do know quite a few pastors and have friends and family in the clergy, I want to preach my own service. I will probably never get the chance to preach while I'm alive so I would like to at least get one time to deliver a sermon.
6 - No repass! I mean it! No chickens are dying at my expense. If you all want to eat after the service you will either go home or to a restaurant. The day is long enough for the church workers and the family. Go home and take a nap or share a few brews in my memory.
7 - I am writing my own obituary as well. There are a lot of things my family does not know about me nor do they know any of my friends. That is intentional. It's not that I don't trust my real friends around my family. The opposite is true I don't want to subject my friends to my family. And on top of that, my friends are compartmentalized. No one person would be able to give the full story of my life because no one person knows all of the sides. I'm a diamond, multifaceted. I'm more than the place I was born, the schools I attended, and the churches of which I was a member. My family doesn't know me well enough to do my obit justice.
8 - I want to be cremated. Some folks are going to try to go against that demand, don't do it, I'm warning you. Funerals are expensive! The biggest cost is the casket. I do not like cramped spaces anyway, so just save the money and cremate me. Scatter my ashes on my property in Virgilina.
9 - Traditional funeral planning always causes problems in families. Thankfully I do not have any children so I will not have to worry about leaving them behind. However, there is always someone who wants to "show out" at the funeral. If I plan my own there is less of a chance for someone to go rogue.
10 - It will be a celebration of my life not a platform for folks to act a whole fool. I will make sure there is security on hand to drag people out like a passenger on United Airlines. Try me.
Again, I am not planning to leave this world anytime soon. Just know, when I do go, it is going to be a paaaaarrrrrtaaaaaayyyyy! You're welcome!
