Can I be real with y'all for a minute or two? Like for real, for real type real?
I'm going through a bit of a rough patch right about now. I'm talking deep dark forest kind of terrain in my life. It's like I sorta kinda know where I want to be and where I want to go, but getting there seems like an exercise in futility.
I will be the first to admit that I am a tad slow on the uptake when it comes to hearing from the LORD. And on the real tip, I have an issue with fear. Not sure if it's a fear of success disguised as a fear of failure or just flat out fear of looking stupid. So what do I do? Nothing. I. Do. Nothing. Stupid, I know, but hey, at least I am willing to admit it. They say that's the first step to progression.
For years I have worked on jobs that I quite literally despise in an industry that is a soul-sucking black hole where dreams go to die. No one I know of entered into the insurance and benefits industry on purpose. It's like the retail of office occupations. Better yet, it's like working in fast food just behind a desk and computer. Long hours and very little pay from people who ask things of you that make little to no sense. No matter how hard you try no one is ever satisfied. Just when you think you have finally gotten the hang of things the rules change on you, again. It's like being in a hampster cage. You have the wheel that goes nowhere, a little bit of sawdust on the floor (those are dashed hopes and dreams by the way), and you just hope that someone will give you some carrots and water every now and then so you can have enough energy to get back on the wheel.
Some of the people I have met along the way have been true gems and will be lifelong friends. Others, well, I said I would keep it real. There are just some people who make my whole entire fat brown booty ache. They are just the dictionary definition of UGH! The poster children for birth control and natural selection. But to their credit, they have given a whole heck of a lot of material for my stand up routine. Hmm, guess they do serve a purpose after all. Interesting. But I digress. Truth be told, I am not a people person at all, so going to an office every day to be surrounded by folks who make me miserable only makes it worse. How I still have all of my hair is nothing short of a miracle.
Now you would think that someone who is so incredibly unhappy and cries every day either on the way to way to work or on the way home would have sense enough to pursue her dreams and get the heck out of the hamster cage. Yup, any reasonable person would. I apparently am not a reasonable person and am about three nuggets short of a happy meal. I think the saying goes "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Clearly, I am a tad insane being that I have been trodding through this life for almost 48 years and still have yet to find my bliss or pursue true happiness. Don't get me wrong. There have been some really enjoyable moments here and there, and I've had some victories that still blow my mind.
It's just time for me to walk on water.
Since Peter is my favorite disciple and I am most like him (will cuss you out, cut off your ear, then ask Jesus to fix it all), then I should be like him and step out of the boat. Unlike Peter, I need to keep walking and to do that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and not the wind and waves blowing around me. It's all about seeking the Kingdom first, listening for that Still Small Voice, and standing on the promises of God. He promised never to leave me nor forsake me. He promised me that nothing could ever separate me from His love. He promised me that I humble myself, pray, and seek His face that He will hear me, forgive me, and heal my land. Guess I can't lose since I serve a God Who has already won. Doesn't matter how unreasonable I am, He is my reason for going on in spite of my insanity.
