The Snack Queen - Episode One

True confession time.
I have an addiction.
I love snacks.
Like seriously loooooooove snacks.
My love list is Jesus, snacks, family, snacks, friends, and snacks in that order.
If I can find a way to live on snacks and coffee it's a wrap.
My nickname at my job is The Snack Queen. I'm cool with that.
Popcorn is my number one favorite. I quite literally ate in every day for breakfast for 6 months. Gibble's Red Hot chips are a close second with Unique Pretzel Shells rounding out the top three.

 I love creating my own recipes, too. Weird twists on things that people already love. Like my latest creation, Deep Fried Sweet Potato Pies with a Rum Cream Cheese Dip. I'll give you the basics. If you want the full recipe with measurements, leave me a comment or email me.

You will need the following:
Sweet potatoes
Butter
Nutmeg
Cinnamon
Ginger
Sugar
Milk
Egg
Salt
Vanilla or rum (depending on your audience)

Wonton or egg roll wrappers
Water
Canola Oil

Cream cheese
10x sugar

For a richer flavor, do not boil the sweet potatoes, bake them. Trust me, it works wonders.  BEAT the baked and skinned sweet potatoes with the butter until smooth. MIX in everything else on the list up to and including the vanilla or rum until mixed but still stiff. Not runny.

Get out your wrappers. Place the wrapper on your prep surface in the shape of a diamond (point towards you, point away from you, points left and right).
Using a small scoop or spoon, place a dollop of the filling into the center of your wonton wrapper. If using the egg roll wrapper, use a medium sized scoop and two dollops on close together slightly above the middle of the wrapper.

Using the water and your finger or a gentle pastry brush, lightly wet the edges of your wrappers. Fold the wonton wrapper in half to make a triangle and press the edges to seal them. Try to press out any air bubbles.
Fold in the top point of the egg roll wrapper over the filling, pressing out as much air as possible. Fold in the sides. Now roll the wrapper towards you and seal with the bottom point.

Heat your oil to the ripple stage and drop those puppies in carefully. Fry until GBD (golden brown and delicious on all sides. Remove them and drain on a rack or crinkled paper towels.

While they are cooling, mix you dip.
In a mixing bowl, combine the cream cheese, milk, 10x sugar, and rum.
Mix until creamy smooth and loose, but not too loose. You do not want a runny dip. Ew!

Arrange your sweet potato lovelies on a beautiful serving tray with the dip in the middle. Enjoy!

OK, now I'm really hungry. Time for a bedtime snack!

Secrets and Lies

"There is nothing hidden that will not be found. There is no secret that will not be well known" - Luke 8:17 CEV

For real though, why do people even bother lying about petty things? Even lying about not so trivial things is stupid. The Orange Anal Pore is proving daily that you can't escape your lies. But this is not another political rant. I'll save that for his next scandal or as we common folks call it, tomorrow.

No, I'm talking about family and friends. It is so stupid to lie to those closest to you. On the real, all you are doing is making things harder on yourself. Eventually nothing you say will be believed. You don't want to be that person. One day you will be telling the truth and really need help and no one will be there.Why? Because you have lied your way ouy of their trust.

What's even worse, than lying constantly is having some big ridiculous family secret. Oh my gosh, if only you knew how many families have been destroyed over one person's desire to save face. Just tell the truth from jump. Will a few people have hurt feelings? It's very likely they will, but they will get over it. It's selfish to hide something until you're on your deathbed or even worse, to leave a letter with the truth to be dealt with after you die. That is a straight up punk move.

Just fess up people. Seriously. Living a lie for years is far worse than just telling the truth and dealing with the consequences. You are living in your own private hell for no other reason than foolish pride. Is it really worth it? Is it worth hurting your family and friends for years to come because you were too selfeish and your ego was too big to be honest? Wow. That's messed up.

I know of quite a few secrets and lies, but it is not my place to out anyone or tell their story. Until they are ready to tell it, I just have to sit back and watch and wait. You can't force someone to come clean. All you can do it have a broom and bucket at the ready when the tie comes to clean up the mess.

Clean up in aisle seven!

I'm Planning My Own Funeral

No, I'm not dying. Well, OK, we are all going to die eventually, but I am not sick or planning to go anytime soon. On the other hand, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone so... Wait I'm getting off track. The point is, I am planning my own funeral and here are 10 reasons why:

1 - I don't trust my family to do it. Sounds harsh I know, but it's the truth. I know how I want things to go. No one in my family thinks like me and they will jack up my send off if I don't leave explicit instructions. 

2 - I refuse to have a whole bunch of crying at my "gone away" party. A few tears maybe, but the real crying better by tears of laughter. 

3 - No sad behind songs. Just don't. I love music, loved singing in the choir and praise team. Y'all are not jacking up my last hurrah by singing some tired music. Let's just say the playlist will be lit! Oh, and "Getting Ready to Leave This World" is NOT on the list. I would not be getting ready. At that point, I'm already gone.  Duh!

4 - There will not be a viewing, period. Viewings are ridiculous in my book. Why do we put folks on display like a department store window? If you didn't see me before I died then guess what? You can see me on the video. And speaking of the video....

5 - I am delivering my own eulogy via video. While I do know quite a few pastors and have friends and family in the clergy, I want to preach my own service. I will probably never get the chance to preach while I'm alive so I would like to at least get one time to deliver a sermon. 

6 - No repass! I mean it! No chickens are dying at my expense. If you all want to eat after the service you will either go home or to a restaurant. The day is long enough for the church workers and the family. Go home and take a nap or share a few brews in my memory.  

7 - I am writing my own obituary as well. There are a lot of things my family does not know about me nor do they know any of my friends. That is intentional. It's not that I don't trust my real friends around my family. The opposite is true I don't want to subject my friends to my family. And on top of that, my friends are compartmentalized. No one person would be able to give the full story of my life because no one person knows all of the sides. I'm a diamond, multifaceted. I'm more than the place I was born, the schools I attended, and the churches of which I was a member. My family doesn't know me well enough to do my obit justice. 

8 - I want to be cremated. Some folks are going to try to go against that demand, don't do it, I'm warning you. Funerals are expensive! The biggest cost is the casket. I do not like cramped spaces anyway, so just save the money and cremate me. Scatter my ashes on my property in Virgilina. 

9 - Traditional funeral planning always causes problems in families. Thankfully I do not have any children so I will not have to worry about leaving them behind. However, there is always someone who wants to "show out" at the funeral. If I plan my own there is less of a chance for someone to go rogue.

10 - It will be a celebration of my life not a platform for folks to act a whole fool. I will make sure there is security on hand to drag people out like a passenger on United Airlines. Try me. 

Again, I am not planning to leave this world anytime soon. Just know, when I do go, it is going to be a paaaaarrrrrtaaaaaayyyyy! You're welcome! 

James and the Giant Impeachment

"Lordy, I hope there are tapes."

James Comey pretty much summed it up with that one statement. Woo wee. Sir. Wow.

While I do not agree with everything Mr. Comey did while he was the FBI Director (*cough* emails *cough*), today's testimony almost makes up for those instances.
He was unflappable,  intelligent, and just plain likeable doggone it. In spite of the obvious hostility and blatant stupidity exhibited by some of the committee members, he never lost his cool. He very easily could have gone the condescending route and there were more than few opportunities for him to drop an Anderson Cooper eye roll. He exhibited grace under fire. That is how a true leader should act.
I hope Dolt 45 was using the time to take notes on behavior and decorum while he was watching. I mean he had to do something since they obviously confiscated his phone PRAISE GOD! They should have taken his kids phones, too.
While Comey's testimony alone is not  enough to start impeachment proceedings, the totality of evidence and the half-assed testimonies, or should I say the lack there of, from Coats and Rogers, should get the ball rolling.
Not that we're getting a winner in 45 1/2, but hey.

So I raise a glass to you, James Comey. Well played, sir. Well played.

Here's what you're NOT going to do...

Woo wee! These are some troubling times, hunh?

Seems like a wide swath of the melanin-deficient population is straight wildin' out. They are acting like their boy Clot 45* and his band of morons and misfits have given license to crawl out from under their sheets and act a whole fool.
They think it's OK to say racist crap and attack people of color with reckless abandon. What they don't seem to realize is that this is not 1957. Times have changed in the real world. And while the Alabama legislature still believes that the South will rise again, most of the rest of the country has moved on.

So to help those of the slower intellect understand how things are going to work, I've created a handy guide for them to survive in this new age. They are the ones who need to get on board because we are moving forward so buckle up buttercup. I present to you racist-redneck-wanna-be-supremacist survival guide -

Here's What You're NOT Going To Do!:

• Verbally attack any person of color who is just minding their business and living their life. 
• Physically attack any person of color who is just minding their business and living their life.
• Disrespect any person of color who is just minding their business and living their life.
• Infringe on the rights of any person of color who is just minding their business and living their life.
• Attempt to intimidate any person of color who is just minding their business and living their life.

By now you should see the pattern. If not, you are clearly a lot dumber than is humanly acceptable.

Here's the deal. You leave us alone we'll leave you alone. Most of us don't really want to be bothered with your issues and so-called "better" way of life anyway. Truth be told, you all would be pretty lost if it wasn't for the people of color, and more specifically those of the African diaspora, who built this country. Yes, I said it. WE BUILT IT BY FORCE after YOU STOLE IT BY FORCE! No, I don't take that back and mean every word I said. We are not letting you forget it from here on out. 

And another thing you're NOT going to do - erase the legacy and legitimate Presidency of Barak Obama. He's Black, he was the President, and folks loved him. Did he get it right 100% of the time? No. But he didn't completely F-up the country in less that 6 months. We went from highly respected to the world's laughing stock in less than a year. What the entire 7th sub-basement of hell?!?!? 

That reminds me of another thing you are NOT going to do - make the citizens of these yet to be united states refugees. You think we don't see what you are up to. Trying to cut us off from our allies and the rest of the free world. Not on our watch. You're knuckle-dragging supporters keep telling us "go back to..." wherever. How about this, you go first. We'll turn off the lights, lock up, and set the alarm after you're gone (and change the locks).

Moral of the story, here's what you are NOT going to do.

You are NOT going make us live in fear no matter how hard you try. 

*not a misspelling, I mean CLOT 45. He is a blood clot. 

The Fallacy of Fake Holidays

There are 3 days on the calendar that I do not understand and find completely ridiculous:

Mother's Day

Father's Day

Valentine's Day*

Why? Well let’s start will a biblical reference which, as Jesus Follower, is my instruction manual.

“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you” Exodus 20:12 (NLT)

Notice that the verse does not say ‘honor your mother on the  2nd Sunday in May and your father on the 3rd Sunday in June by buying cards and gifts and sucking up to them especially when you can’t be bothered to call them during the week or acknowledge their presence any other time of the year.’

Let’s be real. If you can't and don't let those special people in your life know that you love and/or give a rats furry hind-parts about them the rest of the year, then your one day of homage rings hollow.It's also needlessly afflictive to those who have lost loved ones or did not have a mother or father growing up.

I was blessed to have both parents in the house until I was 13 when they divorced (thank GOD!). My relationship with my parents was not always the best. Strained is the best way to put it. But no matter how I felt about them, I honored them. All day, every day.

Later in life, my relationship with my Dad was way better than it was when I was a kid. I talked to him every Wednesday. Loved hanging out with him down at the garage. I’m basically a Daddy’s Girl and not ashamed to say it. When he passed away, it broke. I still miss him terribly, but I have no regrets. I honored him all year long and he knew it. HE didn’t expect cards and what not, but I gave him stuff because I knew he liked jazz, loved Jesus, and loved a good meal.

My mother and I… weeellll? It’s still tenuous at best. Yet and still, I’m here, doing the job of a filial daughter. It’s all part of the whole “honor” thing. When I moved out, I only moved a block away, just in case. I used more PTO taking her to doctor’s appointments and sitting in hospitals than I did for actual rest and relaxation. To this day I still call every Wednesday, try to stop through on Thursday, and take her to her church every Sunday. That is the honor. And when her time to leave this world comes, I will have no regrets.

I said all of that to say this. I do it all year long, every single day. Is it easy? Heck no. Is it the right thing to do? Yes. I answer to God. Not Hallmark. Not society. The commercialization of Mother’s Day was not even what Anna Jarvis intended. Don’t even get me started on Father’s Day, which gets hi-jacked by single mothers these days. (Side note: You are not mother and father to your kid. Just stop it. Unless you have a penis, you are not a father.) Let’s just stop all of this foolishness and do right by our parents every day.

Parents, stop with the guilt trips over that one day on the calendar. If your kid doesn’t call you often or show you that they love you, how about you work on that? Your child did not ask to be born. You did the horizontal mambo and produced a person. Or if you adopted a child, and thank God for people like you, that person is your trophy and every gift you deserve for a lifetime. Your relationship with your child is your gift.

Look, I realize that my viewpoint is not a popular one and I will probably get all kinds of flack about it. Fine by me. This is my truth and I am sticking to it. You do you. I’ll try not to give you the side-eye. Try.

*As for Valentine’s Day, I’ll address that next February. Ugh!

You’ve Got A Choice

I am 100% down to the bone marrow pure I cry I thee sold out for the cause of Christ.

The God I serve, the Jesus who died and rose on the 3^rd day, the Holy Spirit who guides me, the Holy Trinity is not about that foolishness. The God I serve is a God of peace, love, giving, and forgiveness. That is why I am sold out for Him. He gave it all for me so how can I not? Yet for some odd reason, that statement bothers people. 

With the emergence of the whole “conservative Christian right” or as they like to call themselves “evangelical Christians”, I can somewhat understand. Much of what they stand for can hardly be called Christian, and sure as Hades is hot there is nothing right about it. Hate, racism, greed…nothing that my Savior stands for or died for. When they use Christianity to push their agenda it burns my biscuits. Argh! That is not the same Christ I represent. Not in the least.

If you ever read the comment sections of any posts written by any pastor or church leader, legit or not, you will come across some of the most hateful, insulting, and ignorant messages. People calling believers idiots and naïve. How dare those simple-minded Christ loving folks live their lives believing in a God they can’t see? How dare those Jesus followers hurt their feelings by exhibiting faith in Someone they can’t touch? How dare believers want to pray for someone else and exhibit compassion and forgiveness? It’s like people of faith are a personal affront to their sensibilities. But why? Why are non-believers so offended?

No, I don’t want to party like I used to, I don’t need to do that to be happy. No I don’t want to smoke or drink or shoot up or whatever. That just doesn’t do it for me. Sleeping around and bed-hopping only leaves pieces of my soul all over the place and makes me less whole. No thank you. None of those things are good for me anyway, whether I believed in Jesus or not. My wanting to live a holy life is my business. Why does my faith hurt your feelings? I seriously don’t get it. 

I Corinthians 15:19 (NLT) – “And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world.”

Be that as it may, I still follow Christ. That is my choice. No one is holding a gun to my head telling me Who to believe in and how to pray. No one is making me attend my church and love it. No one is forcing me to bring my tithe and offering. I freely choose to do these things. Why? Because I know what Jesus did for me. I know He is real. I met Him for myself. To be perfectly honest, I know without a doubt that I would be dead or in jail today if it had not been for the mercy and grace of God.

My life is my ministry. I am not one to push an agenda on anyone. Either you choose to believe or you don’t. Would it bring me joy if you decided to make Jesus your choice? Yes, but I’m not going to twist your arm. It has to be your choice, just like it was mine.

I would rather follow Jesus and get to the end of this life and be right than to not follow Him and be wrong. The ramifications are eternal. I don’t like temps over 80 degrees so an eternity in hell is not exactly the location I’m shooting for.  

Hey, you’ve got a choice. It’s all on you. “But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today who you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates (the gods of your past)? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live (greed, hate, lying, death and destruction)? But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15 NLT (italics mine)